Joke of the day

[cofi]

TWENTY DOLLARS



On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.



She explained that
for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"



That's when she shot him.



You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

;D

[cofi]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you
in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean? ", said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

Bartender: "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really.

Bartender:"What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you could lose an eye just from
bird poop."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

[cofi]

Q, What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common ?

A, They both suck without Cream


Q, What does Johnny Cash get if he eat's to much hot spicey food ?

A, a Ring of Fire.


Q,How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

A,Just one.

But it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!


Q, what do you call a gingerbread man with only one leg ?

A, Limp Bizkit.


Q, a south african miner loses a leg in an accident, He cries ' OH NO' who's going to wants a one legged gold digger now?

A, To which Paul McCartney shouts 'ME'!!!!


Q, what would happen if eminem became anorexic, and started wearing sunglasses from now on?

A, He'd become the ( real ) Slim Shady.
_________________

[cofi]

Q-What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the TV?
A-No Woman No Sky.

What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the oven?
No Woman, No Pie

[cofi]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for help in
reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it
into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to
progress

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in
his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild,
mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop!

It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again

[cofi]

ROUND THE BEND


A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'Bitch!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

[cofi]

THE BEST DEAR JOHN LETTER EVER

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently
received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.
It read as follows:

Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship.The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to
either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the men she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Mary

[Dickey fan]

An early morning scene:

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love

to me this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then

gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[cofi]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need
a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[cofi]

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my
wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."