Joke of the day

[sparky]

Q. What is the similarity between PlayStations and breasts

A. Both are made for children, but used by adults

[cofi]

I came in to band rehearsal the other day and the bass player and the drummer were involved in a fistfight. After I broke up the fight I asked what the heck was going on.

Bass Player said "Drummer detuned one of my strings."
Me "Why don't you just retune it."
Bass Player "He wouldn't tell me which one he detuned"

[sparky]

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

[cofi]

Before it starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"




The wife sighs and gets him a beer.




Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"




She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"




The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."




The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

[cofi]

"The Cowboy, Black Man, and the Native American"


THERE WERE THESE THREE MEN, A COWBOY, AN AFRICAN AMERICAN, AND A NATIVE AMERICAN. THEY ALL HAVE BEEN SUMMONED TO A CERTAIN CLIFF BY GOD.

THEY ALL MEET, AND GOD APPEARS IN THE SHAPE OF CLOUDS. HE SAYS TO THEM, "STEP FORTH NATIVE AMERICAN," SO HE STEPS UP AND SAYS, "YES FATHER, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DISPLEASE YOU?" GOD SAYS, "YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFETIME, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE." ,


SO THE NATIVE AMERICAN JUMPS OFF THE CLIFF AND SHOUTS," I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE!" ONE SECOND LATER, AN EAGLE GLIDES AWAY INTO THE BLUE HORIZON.

NEXT WAS THE BLACK MAN. GOD SAYS, " YOU HAVE MURDERED TOO MANY PEOPLE IN YOU LIFE, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THIS ONE WISH, IF YOU JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF, AND SHOUT THE NAME OF THE ANIMAL YOU WISH TO BE, I WILL REINCARNATE YOU INTO THE SPECIFIC ANIMAL AND GIVE YOU ETERNAL LIFE."


SO THE BLACK GUY JUMPS OFF AND SHOUTS. " I WANT TO BE A BEAR!"

HE LANDS ON THE GROUND AND STARTS GRAZING AWAY AS A BLACK BEAR.

NEXT WAS THE COWBOY. GOD GIVES HIM THE SAME SPEECH ABOUT MURDERING TOO MANY PEOPLE AND HOW HE WILL GIVE HIM ETERNAL LIFE AS ANY ANIMAL HE SHOUTS.

SO THE COWBOY RUNS AND AS SOON AS HE GETS TO THE EDGE AND JUMPS, HE TRIPPED OVE A ROCK AND SHOUTED ," OH shit!!!!"

[cofi]

"Words To Live By"


Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The Second mouse gets the cheese

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

[cofi]

"Words To Live By"


Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

The Second mouse gets the cheese

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons, some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

[sparky]

"Rules For Women"


RULES FOR WOMEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes , tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway, it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really !!!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[cofi]

"Not Scared of Satan"


A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

[cofi]

A joke for anybody???

"Talking Centipede"


A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes