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Post by slaphead on Mar 9, 2008 22:11:50 GMT
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the
bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my
buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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Post by cofi on Mar 10, 2008 11:32:45 GMT
  A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .
After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"
The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"
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Post by slaphead on Mar 10, 2008 22:22:30 GMT
Redneck Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to piss off.
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Post by cofi on Mar 11, 2008 12:37:05 GMT
I went to the shop the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.
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Post by slaphead on Mar 11, 2008 22:43:19 GMT
For you cofi
Should make a change from sheep jokes.
Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
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Post by slaphead on Mar 11, 2008 22:50:34 GMT
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Post by slaphead on Mar 11, 2008 22:51:47 GMT
Just joking, by the way cofi, no offense meant.
Jim
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Post by cofi on Mar 12, 2008 20:42:59 GMT
For you cofi Should make a change from sheep jokes. Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted. "But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life." "No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret". "No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough." That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see .I'm a virgin." Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house. "Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon." "It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin." "Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you." Hey that's my cousin Dai your talking about there boyo, and Megan's my sisters, sisters, daughter,  Good one M8,  None taken Jim, I had a good laugh   |
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Post by cofi on Mar 12, 2008 20:45:44 GMT
Southern Piece
After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
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Post by slaphead on Mar 12, 2008 22:21:04 GMT
Good one cofi, I'm enjoying this
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.
"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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