Joke of the day

[sparky]

"Celebrity Computer Viruses"


Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

BBC virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.
Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

British Telecom virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

[cofi]

"Rabbits Revenge"


Rabbit's Revenge

Once upon a time there was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other guts.

One day whilst arguing in the forrest, the bear lost his temper and kicked an old lamp that had been left by campers.

To their surprize a genie popped out and granted them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." His wish was granted.

The Genie turned to the rabbit who said "I want a motorcycle helmet." And he got his wish.

"And for your second wish bear?" Demanded the genie, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." He got his wish.

The rabbit without delay took his second wish, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet."

"Final wish bear!" Bellowed the genie. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." After having his wish granted he smirked at the rabbit and strutted off into the forrest.

The rabbits eyes lit up, he turned to the genie and he said, "For my last wish, I wish that bear was gay."

[cofi]

"Smelly Couple"


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks

[cofi]

"Hat Pin Sermon"


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[cofi]

"head and shoulders"


A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he leaves the elevator .

After he left the red head said "Man was he hot!" the brunette said "Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders"

The blonde thought for a while and said "How do you give a man shoulders?"

[cofi]

"Strange But True"


Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Both Presidents were shot by southerners.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Kennedy".
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln".

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Both successors were named Johnson.
Both successors were southerners.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

And...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

[cofi]

"Never Take The Wife"


A driver and his wife is stopped by a police officer.

Driver: "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 70 miles an hour in a 50 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 50."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket because you have a rear light out."

Man: "Rear light? I didn't realise it was out!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

Officer: "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

[cofi]

"Emergency"


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[cofi]

Seen as it's been St Paddy's day, here is an Irish joke-

"Paddfy You're Drunk"


A policeman pulled up paddy coming out of the pub, he had drank 16 pints and was swerving all over the road. "Paddy I do believe you are drunk!" paddy replied "Thank croist for dat Oi thought dere was someting worng wid me steerin!"

[cofi]

A man is sitting in the living room reading his paper when his wife comes up behind him and thumps him one with a frying pan. The man, who now has a bump on his head, turns to his wife and says, "What did you do that for?" His wife says, "That was for the piece of paper I found in your pocket with the name Helen Marie on it." The man says that he had been to the track last week and that was the name of the winner of one of the races. The wife was satisfied with his answer and apologised for hitting him with the frying pan.

Three weeks past and the man was in the living room with his paper when his wife again thumped him with a bigger frying pan knocking him out cold. When he finally came round he said, "What did you do that for?" To which the wife replied, "Your f**king horse called yesterday."