Joke of the day

[slaphead]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.


The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'


And *poof* she's gone.


The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.


The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'


St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.


'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.


St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .


St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.


'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

[cofi]

Then I'm going straight to hell
Nico one jim

"Schwarzenegger Goes Classical"

A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.

The producer really wanted the box office "oomph" of these three, and was prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well, the producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.

Sic


"Morning Kiss"

A wife was having a go at her husband, "Look see that? Every morning when mr Jones goes to work he kisses his wife pationately before he leaves, why don't you do that?" The husband replied "Because I hardly even know the woman!"


"Can I Stay?"

The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door

[slaphead]

Thanks cofi


WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :


'Only when he's been drinking.'

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Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about
their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three
will wear black leather bodices, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.


The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.


The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his ass again!'

[slaphead]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[sparky]

That funny jim

A Miracle

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[slaphead]

Great ones sparky

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[cofi]

[glow=red,2,300]Three Aussies on a Train[/glow]

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[glow=red,2,300]Italian Spelling[/glow]

(You've got to read the Italian part, with a Italian accent)

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi."


(I cant remember if I've posted this joke before but it's a good joke, so i'll post it again)

[sparky]

Too Funny guy's

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''


Irishman on a Desert Island

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

[slaphead]

Hilarious sparky.

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

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There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach.

Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts
with a newspaper.
The little girl says, 'What's under there?'
So the man answers, 'A bird.'

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up; he is in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, 'What happened?'
The man answers, 'I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.'
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about.

So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was
sleeping, I played with his bird.

After awhile, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and
smashed its two eggs.

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A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans..

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..

The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why
didn't you raise your Hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

[sparky]

HA-HA great jokes slaphead

A hungry termite walks into a pub and says, ‘Is the bar tender here?’


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.’


How do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!

A bit sick sorry


My wife ran away with my best friend.
To tell you the truth, I really miss him.


Be nice to your children. They are the ones who choose your old folk's home.

********************************************************

How Long

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(You've got to love military time!)