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Post by sparky on May 12, 2008 1:23:34 GMT
  Jim 
There you go cofi, you dont need a Harley bro, just a big Dick 
Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo
it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its 11:00 at the police station...
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.
billy-bob: i know...:> and thats not my finger!! :>
Doing the laundry!
Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on
his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,
when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs
hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.
Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what's that
there you got between your legs?"
Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there's my washin' machine."
Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there
and do me a load of laundry?"
Flo said, "Sure." So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and
hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful
pussy of Flo's. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got
back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did some
shopping.
On his way back home he passed by Flo's shanty and there she
was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her
beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.
He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you
got between your legs?"
She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol' you
that's my washin' machine."
Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if I
come up there and do me another load of laundry?"
Flo hollered back down and said, "Boudreax, if that load of
laundry you got to do is the same size as the one before, you
can just do it by hand!"
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Post by slaphead on May 12, 2008 20:30:43 GMT
 sparky Please read all! 1.Start at London Heathrow Airport. 2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport. 3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport. 4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles. 5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3miles 6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" -follow for 2.9 miles 7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles 8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles 9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles 10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles 11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles 12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles 13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles 14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles 15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles 16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles 17.Arrive at the centre of town. please scroll down . . . . . . . . . . Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo! SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . . Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids ..." Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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Post by slaphead on Jul 3, 2008 19:29:41 GMT
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ The North Sea ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!! Any Questions  NO? I didn't think so!! |
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Post by slaphead on Jul 28, 2008 20:24:06 GMT
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
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Post by slaphead on Jul 29, 2008 19:55:22 GMT
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon........ You got velly nice house."
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Post by sparky on Jul 30, 2008 19:44:58 GMT
Ha Ha cool jokes slaphead, I liked the "Pope" one and the "Chinense" sick one, 
"Paddy You're Drunk"
A policeman pulled up paddy coming out of the pub, he had drank 16 pints and was swerving all over the road. "Paddy I do believe you are drunk!" paddy replied "Thank croist for dat Oi thought dere was someting worng wid me steerin!"
**********************************************************
"Irish Extreme Sports"
Paddy and Shamus are driving up to a cliff. They get out and Paddy says "Shamus you've got to see this. Its all the rage now days!". Paddy pulls out a Budgie, places it on his head and jumps off the cliff. Paddy falls to his death on the rocks below.
Shamus is standing there scratching his head when Shaun walks up. Shaun says to Shamus "You have to see this I heard its all the rage now days!". Shaun pulls out a chicken, puts it on his head and jumps off the cliff and dies on the rocks below.
Shamus is left standing there looking even more confused than before.
Peter rides up on his bike and starts talking to Shamus. "Hey Shamus, I heard about this new sport, watch this!". So he pulls out a parrot and a gun, places the parrot on his head and jumps off the cliff. Half way down Peter shoots the parrot. Hits the rocks below and dies.
Shamus is standing there, scratches his head and says "Bloody hell! First Paddy dies with his Budgie Jumping, then there was Shaun with his hen gliding and now you Peter with your Parrot Shootin!"
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Post by slaphead on Jul 30, 2008 20:17:50 GMT
Great one's sparky ;D
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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Post by slaphead on Aug 3, 2008 20:05:59 GMT
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'
Granny replies, 'Stuff the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'
--------------------------------------------
Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sits there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says: 'So what were you watchin'?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,
'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies: 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
---------------------------
Wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies: 'Your sense of humour!'
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An elderly couple was attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Post by cofi on Aug 4, 2008 21:06:12 GMT
Great Jokes slaphead,
"How To Please A Woman"
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Not as good as your's jim.
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Post by slaphead on Aug 5, 2008 19:21:06 GMT
Yeah, they were cofi, Specially the second one.  |
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