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Post by slaphead on Sept 13, 2008 19:43:11 GMT
Great sparky.  A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said,'I want to get one of them dayvorces.' The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No,No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean,do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I gotta John Deere. The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere' The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No,we both get up at 4:30.' By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want a dayvorce'. --------------------------------------------------------------- A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would mke a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party'. --------------------------------------------------------------- An American Indian family was considering putting their Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home. All the First Nation facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Mooshum. "How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful." says Mooshum. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since being Indian you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big smile. "There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'." "There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'." "There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'." "And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F--king Indian'." |
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Post by cofi on Sept 16, 2008 23:57:50 GMT
Good jokes guy's  
Pianist's Monkey
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
One Too Many?
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
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Post by sparky on Sept 18, 2008 0:07:14 GMT
Nice one's cofi
A tourist from Bulgaria visited the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The Immigration officer looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week" into the small space labeled "SEX".
The officer explained: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."
"Does it matter?" the tourist answered.
*********************************************************
The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large Yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs.
One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God. Do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know!" says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please."
The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
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Post by slaphead on Sept 18, 2008 21:11:29 GMT
Here are some X-rated riddles:
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:33:03 GMT
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary’s apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don’t wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, “I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That’s why I’m late!”
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:37:30 GMT
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week. "The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week. "The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? " The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.”
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.”
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?”
The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:41:08 GMT
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady say's "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'
And damned if the lazy son of a Bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:43:39 GMT
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals through out the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: f**k it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f**king meeting!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting Bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:46:53 GMT
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We REPAIR what your husband fixed.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station,
“Tank heaven for little grills.”
And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Post by vrod on Sept 19, 2008 15:48:47 GMT
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
( For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...
A few statements to ponder )
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing
sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still
wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating
an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
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