Joke of the day

[slaphead]

Thanks cofi

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[sparky]

Man that was funny

The silent treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




Farting Your Guts Out

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

[sparky]

Sex With The Gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”



Making Donuts

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


Kinda put me off eating burgers, yuck

[slaphead]

Good stuff, sparky

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot Fashion exclaimed........

'And all these years I've been chewing gum.'

___________________________________________________


Osama Bin Laden has send a message to President George W Bush, to let him know he's still alive:

'--------3 7 O H S S V ---------
-----------O 7 7 3 H -----------'

Bush is baffled..,

Even the CIA, the FBI and NSA can't decipher the message.

They then ask Britains MI6 for help...

MI6 replies....:

'Tell the President he's holding it upside down.........'

__________________________________________________

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless in New York


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one.

[slaphead]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"



A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

[slaphead]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[sparky]

Jim, killer jokes brother,


Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.




Duck Hunting

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

"Afternoon sir", the ranger says, "You got an Alabama duck hunting license"?

"Yes I do", the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, "Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?"

"Yes I do sir" , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, "well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?"

"Yes I do sir" the good ole boys says.

"Well dang son where you from?" the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

"Well you tell me buddy!"


Not as good as some of them jokes of yours Jim, but I'm tired, and that's all I got LOL,

Hope you Enjoy

[slaphead]

Don't run yourself don bro' good jokes.

Love these Chinese ones'.

1) That's not right.................................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP.......................................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man............................................. Dum Fuk

5) Small horse........................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?....................... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped in to a coffee table........... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

12) Staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

15) Great.................................................. Fa Kin Su Pah

[sparky]

Jim, them chinese one's are "Fung Ni Fuk"


Catching a bear

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"





Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

[slaphead]

Cheers sparky for those.

The Pope was dying and his followers were given to believe that his life would be saved if he slept with a woman.

'That's impossible,' said the Pope. 'I am the Holy Father and cannot contravene God's law.'

They spent a long time trying to persuade him. 'It is in order to save your life, so that you can serve God further,' they argued. And at last the Pope agreed.

'All right,' he said, 'but the following conditions must be fulfilled. In the first place, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see me.'

'We shall find a blind one,' they answered.

'In the second place, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear my voice.'

'We shall find one who is deaf too,' they promised.

"Thirdly, she must be dumb, so that she cannot tell anyone what has taken place.

And fourthly, she must have big tits...'

How about this.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his Dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.