|
|
Post by slaphead on Dec 13, 2008 21:12:18 GMT
'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'
|
|
|
|
Post by slaphead on Jul 18, 2009 19:06:29 GMT
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f**k or drown...
|
|
|
|
Post by sparky on Jul 21, 2009 14:02:22 GMT
 Good joke slaphead  
"Schwarzenegger Goes Classical"
A movie producer had called together several big name celebs to kick some ideas around. The project was an action docu-drama about famous composers featuring Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwarzenegger in the leading roles.
The producer really wanted the box office "oomph" of these three, and was prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."
Things were going well, the producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach." replied Arnold.
"A Wise Irishman"
An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by the fall. "Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was de landing."
"Glass Eye"
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
 sorry,
|
|
|
|
Post by slaphead on Jul 21, 2009 20:00:35 GMT
Great sparky.  Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife. When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals. "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?" "I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!" When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want." So here I am! ;D |
|
|
|
Post by sparky on Jul 30, 2009 20:36:31 GMT
Cool slaphead 
Looking For Cops
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.
"Are their lights on?"
The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
Head and Shoulders
A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?"
"Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"
|
|
|
|
Post by slaphead on Aug 2, 2009 19:22:59 GMT
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk even further back behind their husbands, and seem appear happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
|
|
|
|
Post by sparky on Aug 3, 2009 23:45:32 GMT
I have a dream that I was in heaven. I saw this room full of clocks. I saw names on the clocks and questioned an angel what was this about. He said, "Every person has a clock that is set at midnight and each time they tell a lie it moves forward a minute. Then I saw a clock for mother Teresa and it was still on midnight. I saw other that had just moved forward a few minutes and others at 2am and 5am. Then I saw a room that just had presidential clocks. Sure enough George Washington's was only set at 12:05 and Abe Lincoln was only 12:10. I said “I see them all, but where is Obama's clock?" The angel said "Oh it was removed by Jesus and he is using it as a ceiling fan".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”
“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.” “Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative. The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”
|
|
|
|
Post by sparky on Aug 11, 2009 22:54:35 GMT
Visit to the Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
|
|
|
|
Post by slaphead on Aug 12, 2009 19:19:57 GMT
Still laughing, sparky. In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather. In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite. |
|
|
|
Post by sparky on Aug 14, 2009 1:19:37 GMT
Still laughing, sparky. In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather. Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as Muslim Weather. In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.  good one slaphead Baseball heaven?
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
|
|
