Joke of the day

[cofi]

Sex With The Gorilla

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: “First, I don’t want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”




Dear Redneck Son

DEAR REDNECK SON,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home,
so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they
moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain
and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it
would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.
He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

[sparky]

Hey cofi how did you get that letter my mom sent me


"Can't Miss My TV"

(Another British Tourist In Gran Canaria, which is in Spain By the way)

I was told this story by a tour company rep. She told me an elderly couple got off the plane carrying a portable T.V. She approached them and said "Why did you bring a television? you have one in your room, they should have told you that." The old man replied "they did, we brought this because we didn't think we'd be able to get English programmes on a Spanish TV."



A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done".

[slaphead]

Good ones guys.

ConFuSciouS SayS:

"man who run in front of car get tired"
"man who run behind car get exhausted"
"man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off."
"Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth."
"Man trapped in Whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock."
"Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish,
but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"
"People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive
cleansers."
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem
in hand"
"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

[cofi]

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."



A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

[sparky]

Termite

A hungry termite walks into a pub and says, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

Sandwich

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.’


Kitchen Accidents

I read that most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen. So I moved the cooker to the bedroom.


The Last Word

A man to his friend: "At my house I always say the last word".

His friend: "What is the word?"

The man: "I am sorry. Forgive me"

Knowing Your Husband

How do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!

The Price Of Love

You can't buy love, but you most certainly can pay dearly for it.

Marriage's Advantage Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.

Who Is Listening

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.

Longings

My wife ran away with my best friend.

To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

Nickname

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

Too Late For Happiness

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late..

Price Of Madness

A sign in a psychiatrist's clinic says: "Madness is expensive - We accept Credit Cards".

[slaphead]

Excellent sparky

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[cofi]

That was frigging funny Jim


The Blind Man

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"


Face Lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[slaphead]

They were excellent, cofi

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....

[sparky]

too much Jim

Emergency Appointment

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her girl thingy.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "



Lights On

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

[slaphead]

Great ones sparky, I'll die laughing at this rate.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or Vodka, tequila , rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid , than to drink
water and be full of sh * t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

____________________________________________________

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

___________________________________________________

A guy goes to his doctor and says,
"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"